Closing a chapter

Don’t ask me and I won’t have to lie to you.

This week has been a tough one, very tough. Fish had his 3rd birthday party today, he’s 3. That means I have single handedly raised him for 36 months (44 if you count pregnancy) and even though I keep getting praised for a job well done on raising such an awesome little person with the little I have to offer I’m just not feeling it.
3 years of raising him alone. 3 years of feeling like I’m simply not good enough for anyone. 3 years of smiling and saying “of course everything is okay” and yes, I am fully aware how bad things would be if biodad was still around but… Well I’m not sure how to explain it.

You all know the little east coast lad who’s taken up residency in my lounge for the past 4 or so months, it’s been great having him around and the company has been much appreciated but one night about 2 months ago we got rather intoxicated and hooked up. Woke up and reality dawned so it wasn’t spoken of again, a second time with the same swept under the rug way of dealing with it.

Last friday we had the greatest fondue with Princess and HQ, a bottle of vanilla vodka later… Well you can fill in the blanks. That’s of course till his “can’t/don’t want to hurt you” comment.

I am the fucking queen of compartmentalising (but not of spelling) my emotions. Have you seen that insurance advert where they explain a mans brain to be like a huge wharehouse of boxes? Well that’s my brain. What he did on Friday was open two boxes stored safely on opposite ends.

Last night HQ and Princess took me out to try get me out this slump or the “meh” as we refer to it, and it was exactly what I needed, out with friends who know how to avoid subjects and make me laugh. Well Ian, AKA dumbass as Princess likes to refer to him, came with and why wouldn’t he? I mean we’re pretty much attached by the hip anyway.

Well one brandy led to another and let’s just say it’s a good thing I don’t have outside lights else all my neighbours would know how pretty my bra is. So it goes without saying that today above all was awkward and I’m glad it was fish’s party and a little glad he has a raging fever because of some infection as my attention was kept elsewhere all day.

Until tonight… Needless to say we had a “talk” and it didn’t end well, both upset and pissed off. Him still hung up on L and me, we’ll guess I was just a convenience. The worst part wasn’t even the whole “you’re just not good enough to consider trying it out” the worst part is that was a lie. I have perfect hearing and it’s often my downfall because walking out the lounge the fucking asshole whispers “I like you”

Right. This blogpost here, this entire thing? This is the reason I will be that 105 year old lady living on an island with all the stray animals she can take in. My life is clearly a joke, created purely for someone’s entertainment. Right now I’m so glad I have the you don’t exist technique down to a fine art. And with that another chapter in my book is done, and it’s not open for editing.
understand i’m born to leadgoodbye – SR71

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