Someday someone is going to thank you for letting me go

Today I decided to tell my stinky mood and attitude where it can shove it’s ugly little head. The past month or so knocked me down a peg or three, I counted my chickens before they hatched and ended up with easter eggs instead. But I’ve decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to dust off the knees, tend to the scratches on the palms and keep on moving forward.

There’s a saying that goes “if nothing seems to be going right, go left” which is really cute and catchy but if you keep going left you end up right back where you started sadly, sometimes though this is a bit of a good thing as it might just mean it’s exactly where you should be “if it aint broke don’t kick it” or something like that…

I put down my camera for a long time now, I was so focused on helping others grow their business bigger and into a success that I let my own tack a backseat. Instead of doing what I loved I did what I thought I should do. Leaving GSD was a tough decision in the beginning, one that was thankfully made a lot easier for me in the end, I loved working there and it’s a brilliant business idea but unfortunately I set myself up from the start with that one and soon was (as has happened too often in the past) taken advantage of.

I’ve been left in this slump after being constantly berated for things out of my control, being put down and made to feel bad about the fact that I’m only 24, being told I’ll never study as where will I find the time or finances, being made promises that were never kept – reminds me of past relationships actually – and I started resenting my circumstances, myself and even my son. Because who would hire a 24 year old aspie with “too much” knowledge, not enough “steady experience” and no degree. Bouncing back has taken me a good few tries, a billion tears and even a bottle of vodka or 3 (shared with friends, I’m not an alcoholic…) but I’m back. And fuck it but I am back with a hungry vengeance.

I have decided to pick up where I left off, sort of as being gone for so many months has left a large gap that others were quick to fill. The market might be even worse than it was 8 months ago, what with every tom and sally who got a lovely fancy camera for their birthday claiming to be a photographer. But I am good at what I do. No use in being modest, I know my creativity finds it’s way into my camera when I pick it up and my ego is constantly stroked by many who confirm this.

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So here is to finding me again, to getting back up, to making what I’m great at work for me.
There are 2 and a bit weeks left in this month… Let’s make ends meet and bills paid.
I can do this.

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5 thoughts on “Someday someone is going to thank you for letting me go

  1. There are people out there that will hire, they just need to be the kind of people you actually want to work for. Creative, progressive thinking people who see value where others dont. My circumstances were slightly different. I was not a single mom, but I am/was totally commitment phobic. I refused to work for someone unless it was on a temporary basis. I would not sign a lease or long term contract or anything that tied me to one place.

    I did not study after matric.. I travelled alot. I lived in 8 different cities between the ages of 20 and 28.

    I am now 40 and feel I am doing quite well for myself. I started studying for a degree through UNISA at the age of 26. It took me 10 years to qualify… Not because I kept failing but because I just took that long. I started working for somebody who saw my changes in career as an asset not a liablity. I was 27 when I started my first permanent job. From there my jobs progressed. I have now been at the same company for 5 yearsthis year – a record.

    24 is still very young! Dont let anybody tell you, you can’t do something or that you are going about things the wrong way. Believe in yourself, your experiences and go for it. If you want to study there is nothing stopping you. You could register for one module at a time – you don’t need to do it full time.

    Look at all you have already done!

    • I get antsy thinking of being stuck doing one thing forever, also not someone who can cope with being stuck in four walls day in and day out. Also did the travel thing and if I get my dream job – travel photographer/writer I would just drag fysh along with me.
      I have a lot of years ahead of me, just feel I need to make something of myself, not so much for me but for fysh

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