There are some days when it would be easier to just grab the meds and hide behind them, zombie myself out, get numb and not give a damn. Instead I’m feeling. And not happy sunshine and daisy feelings either. Not today. Not last night. Not right now.
Usually it’s easy to pinpoint what the issue is, eradicate it and move on.
But I can’t seem to find the root this time.
I’m feeling rejected, lonely and plain stupid for no reason – things are going okay at the moment, they could most certainly be better but they could also be a bucket load worse. Last night around midnight it hit me square in the chest out of the blue, this feeling of hopelessness, and this feeling of despair. I had a panic attack, completely broke down and ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor. Why? Fuck I would love to know why…
Something needs to change. I need to change. But what and how.
Don’t mind me. Just getting it all out – in a safe way.
Firstly let me just say that I really hope I never end up having to actually make this decision! So, what would I like to eat? Maybe something I’m deathly allergic to so that I can die in my cell instead of in front of those sadists that come to watch you die.
But seeing as I’m not allergic enough to anything to die from it (other than bullets, sharp objects, busses etc) I think my death bed meal would be a rare steak seared on the flames with a homemade sweet mustard, sauerkraut and roast potatoes followed by a stack of funfetti flapjacks.
In real life all this would make me horribly ill and feel sick for days BUT seeing as I’ll be put to death shortly after my meal what difference does it make right?
Mmm… what I would do for a good roast potato right now.
Today’s blog challenge is to photograph something green.
My hair is currently something green. Well it’s green-ish. Mainly because I’ve been too
lazy busy and a whole lot of broke to redo it.
I’ll get to it.
Please excuse the hobo-ish look today.
No make up (which means all the frigging freckles are showing), dirty hair and a batman tshirt with leggings… I’m rocking the whole “it’s a Sunday and I really couldn’t be arsed” vibe today…
No judging allowed.
I’m here I’m here, I haven’t died. Not yet anyway.
What a week I tell you!
Monday – Fysh’s first day of school and my new ink
Tuesday – RCHP live in cpt
Wednesday – Running around cpt getting all the things sorted for my little sideline venture (pray it makes some $ please, am desperate)
Thursday – Day one of my power boat course.
Friday – Day two of my powerboat course and a mini pre-wedding shoot.
Today – A trip up the coast to paternoster for J’s 4th birthday and then into townto fetch Che’
Tomorrow – A shoot for Annabella Maternity wear
Yeah… It’s been a hell of a week!
I’ll do back posts on monday for each event – prepare to be blogpost spammed!
For some reason Ispaced on scheduling posts for this week (the feb blog challenge) so I’ll get those up as well.
Hope everyone has had a brilliant week and that those in cpt are enjoying the cooler weather this weekend. I know I am!!!
I don’t really have a specific brand of clothing that describes me, mainly because I don’t really like brand names and can’t actually afford them and also because the past few years my wardrobe has mostly consisted of cheap tights or jeans and loose shirts or hoodies because they cover up the bad parts and show off the good ones for the most part.
I do really love skirts though, those long flowing, layered and hippy style skirts but I haven’t really been wearing my collection of them for a long time because you sort of need a skinny upper body to pull off a skirt nicely (wear a puffy top with a puffy bottom and you just look like a marshmallow).
My favorites are those homemade skirts you get at markets or the ones you can find at SKA. Maybe I’ll be able to wear them again at some point. Then again when you’re an only parent on a barely there income you make do with whatever you have. Can’t remember the last time I bought something new to wear… maybe I’ll ask people to sponsor some $ on my birthday that can go towards a new wardrobe.
Superman can fly
Batman has really great hearing (that is his super power right?)
The xmen have a myriad of “powers” ranging from telekinesis to freezing stuff
Spiderman has spidey like characteristics…
So taking this into consideration I’m not sure if this would count as a super power so much but I would love to be able to speak, write, read and understand every language there is.
And the first thing I’d do with it? Travel the world and experience each corner of it from a local’s point of view…
I’m conflicted on this one really as I have a few ideas of that I think would be my dream home, I’m assuming “dream home” would be the home you ultimately want, the one you would retire in. It’s a tough call but I guess I can’t exactly retire in a tree house or an underwater castle so even though that would be frigging awesome I don’t suppose I could really pick either of those.
My dream home would be a yacht. A beautiful little L34 or even a 36ft catamaran. Nothing huge or Princess like, just something I could sail from island to island, country to country. Perhaps the catamaran is a bit of a better idea seeing as the L34 would make crossing the Atlantic a bit of a tough one. And just to piss Shamus off she’d be decked out with pink interior and pink sails (though this would most likely start to piss me off after a while as well so maybe not.)
As for picking a land-lovers home I think my tastes are just as simple really.
A largish open plan kitchen with an island that houses a big stove for baking as well as a window that overlooks a grassy front lawn lined with pretty flowers. Picture a log cabin combined with your “all American home” with wrap-around porch and rocking chairs and you pretty much have an idea of what I want. But it must be on an island.
To me a home is the thing that you go to at the end of the day to sleep. And when you close your eyes everything looks the same any way so in my opinion there is no need for a giant castle of a house. Just something cozy for Fysh and I to go to at the end of the day, to spend a little time in now and then on a weekend. I always feel lazy when I’m at home so we don’t ever spend much time in it anyway though, unless of course home is a yacht. That’s a different story.
All I can tell you is that when I finally find the home I am going to settle down in it’s going to be bright and cheery. It’s going to be mine. And it’s going to have a bright red front door and a library bigger than the grand canyon!
This is tough as I think my whole life is made up of significant moments. Everything leads you to where you need to be or where you are right now right?
But seeing as I have to pick 3 for this challenge I’ll take these:
The day I learned that reindeer poop chocolate covered raisins – age 5ish
The first few years of my life (well from the time I can remember) we spent the holiday season with my grandparents who went ALL OUT every christmas. A giant tree, always a real one, decorated to the nines with everything we could find – even a little mirror and brush for the christmas faeries. We always made fresh biscuits for santa that we got to decorate and put out with some milk. 5l buckets were put outside (they lived at the lighthouse so had a large lawn) along with carrots for the reindeer.
In the mornings right before sunrise my sister and I would rush into the lounge and see if santa had been then rush back into the room to get our stockings and then jump granny and grampa awake. Open the little stocking fillers till eventually our parents woke up and we could all move to the lounge. After gifts were opened it’s usually time to start cooking which means getting the kids the hell out of the way – this is when someone takes us outside to bring the buckets of water back inside. So it turns out that reindeers poop chocolate covered raisins… it’s one way to keep kids entertained.
The day my mother left – age 11ish
My mom had already been seeing a few other people while my dad was out at sea, even though I was blissfully unaware/ignorant of what was going on. I remember my mother packing up my room, I walked in and told her I had decided to stay with my dad. The look she gave me will forever stick with me.
The day those two pink lines showed up – age 20sh
I’ll never forget it, most of the day is a blur and things happened really fast but it was a marking point. It was the day everything changed. I remember a myriad of emotions going through my head. I wanted to laugh, cry and most of all I didn’t want to believe it was real. This is was the last day of my childhood.
Today marks day one of the Feb blog challenge and of course we start of with a Self Portrait… oh how I loathe these! Yes I know I will occasionally take one or two on instagram but that’s different. Not sure why but it is. Anyway…
Here is my “selfie” to start off the month of feb.
I might actually start off each month like this just to track how my “put down that cupcake” mission is going. We’ll see.
Happy first day of Feb everyone!
I have what you could call a rather ridiculous
obsession interest in all things country. I am adamant that I was born and raised in the wrong part of the world. Sure thing I am at home on the ocean but hells if I had my way I’d move to the south in a heartbeat.
Give me cowboy boots, country music, big trucks and men that say ma’am and you will have one VERY happy cupcake that’s for sure. Shamus raised me pretty much like what any southern girl would have been raised – I can hunt and fish, drive trucks and have no fear of getting a little dirty. He always jokes that I should email the president and demand he give me a greencard so that I can go home.
I have no idea where how and why I feel the need to be there I just do. It’s weird I know, most people want to run off to Ireland or somewhere pretty and arty in Europe. Yeah, been there done. Wasn’t really for me, yes it’s pretty but it’s not where my heart lies.
Fysh, if your mother has her way we’ll be there within the next 10 years. Just a heads up.