My heart and my head aren’t quite in the same place at the moment, it’s really hard to explain but if you’ve been there you’ll know exactly what I mean.
I’m starting to think that our thoughts truly do run the course of our lives. I remember being in high school and joking that my first apartment will be shitty and pretty much falling apart and that I’d live off microwave foods and cry myself to sleep. That I’d get knocked up on a one night stand and end up a single parent and that I’d be really successful and marry my best friend…
Well I remember my first apartment, there was no kitchen just a microwave, the paint was peeling and the roof was black from mould. I got knocked up by a cheating asshole and got left to fend for myself and this little squirmy, colicky boy child. So far we seem to be pretty much on the right track don’t you think? Minus the me being really successful part and marrying my best friend. At this point I don’t see any sort of marriage happening and my best friend, well he’ll always be just that. My best friend.
I could curl up on my red couch with a blanket and a Cecilia Ahern novel, tissue strewn across the floor and an empty coffee mug clutched in my hands as I blew my nose causing me to boast that oh so sexy rudolph’s spinstress cousin look… but what would that help me? The world doesn’t give you a break; it never has and never will. Eventually I’ll have to peel myself off the couch and guess what, reality will still be there. Waiting for me to step out and realise that nothing has stopped, the world hasn’t slowed down and it’s sure as hell not going to wait around for me to catch up.
So what do I do? I work. I throw myself into it and ignore reality. Pretend that everything is okay even though it isn’t. I guess the good thing is that I can actually acknowledge that I do this now. That’s a step forward right? And soon I’ll be able to throw myself into studies AND work. How I’m going to actually afford the studies though I have no idea yet but I guess it gives me reason to work even harder and ignore the world.
And yes I am aware there are people far worse off than I am and I should be grateful for what I have but right now, this moment in time, I’m watching friends in their relationships, blooming and doing so well and great, work wise, love wise, everything wise. Sure they have their problems but you know what I mean. And yeah I’m jealous. I’d never give fish up, ever and I would fight tooth and nail to keep him safe but I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if he wasn’t around.