i just need to vent okay? deal with it.

If the weather matched my mood today it would be a crisis as we’d have a class TEN hurricane on our hands. Destructive, dangerous to be around, a little calm in the middle and then it hits you hard again when you think it’s all over.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve gone from 100mg to 150mg of lamotragine or if it’s from putting on a brave face too long. Everyone tells me I’m a supermom and how they take their hat off to me, I smile and say it’s nothing but inside I want to punch them in the face and throw this fucking invisible cape at them and tell them to take on the role.

I keep saying that everything is fine but it’s not, it never has been. I’ve never been fine. Not since they day I was born, not since pre-school where I was told I’m too weird to be friends with. Not since the day I started pretending and dying a little more inside every time I have to smile and say “I’m fine, everything is okay, and I’ve got this.”

I’m a 24 year old who stupidly got knocked up at 20, I haven’t studied ‘cause I can’t afford it. I blame everyone for my mistakes when they aren’t to blame because it’s all my own stupidity, my own choices and actions. I’ve been waiting for some miracle to happen.
For everything to be okay.
I work my behind off and at the end of the month what do have to show for it? Stress.

Right now I feel like a failure and I wish I could end everything, but then what happens to fish? There is no way on this planet that I would let biodad raise him, I don’t want it influencing my beautiful, independent and happy child. I have so much absolute hatred in me right now that I feel sick. I hate me, I hate that I’m an only parent, I hate that Ashley abandoned us, I hate that I feel this way, I hate that I ever met him.

This is the only place I know I can vent because here I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks, you either read my blog or you stay the fuck away. Easy as that. I might be a mom but even moms are human, we have human feelings and there some days are like today. Where all you want to do is go out and get drunk even though can’t. I know a lot of mom’s that would never admit it; they say they are uber happy and that this is exactly what they want, that they never have day’s like this. Pssh… I don’t believe them for a second. Cause if that is true then fuck I must be the worst parent alive for admitting defeat every now and then.

Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual, no book on the shelf could ever prepare you for it and there is nothing out there that can prep you for the stress, the heartache, the unconditional love and the instinct to protect that comes with parenthood. I might not be coping right at this minute but there is NOTHING I wouldn’t do or give up for this child of mine.

the most amazing child you will ever meet – well in my opinion anyway

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18 thoughts on “i just need to vent okay? deal with it.

  1. That was so raw and real. Just beautiful.

    I have many of the same feelings, parenting is not easy!

    To be able to admit that you need a break sometimes, in my eyes, makes you a stellar parent, one I need to be friends with.

  2. I’ve been feeling like this all week, always hope when I wake up tomorrow I’ll feel better. I do think your awesome, I do take my hat off to you but I do know how you feel.

    Hope tomorrow is a better day for you
    xxx

  3. I am sorry to see you are in such turmoil, but at the same time admire your bravery for admitting defeat. Any mom who loves a child as much as you do, are already special and very special too, because I see daily mom who do not care. I hope tomorrow is better. Just live for today, all the mistakes of the past are……well, in the past. Hugs

  4. Sorry you are having a bad day. My mother is Bi-polar and has just had an operation for oesophageal cancer which she just survived. She went into the operation weighing only like 15Kg, the skin was hanging off her. They also accidently broke 5 of her ribs during the operation. She decided to stop taking all her medication and says she feels 100% happier and better for doing so. Focus on one positive thing for the day that you are going to do. As soon as any negative comes in to the equation, try to push it out your mind or focus on something else. The thing is that once a negative thought is planted inside, it grows if you water it. It likes to manifest itself in hatred and anger. You should try as hard as you can to focus your thoughts elsewhere. Keep up your jogging, have at least one positive goal for the day. Living can sometimes be a state of mind. Circumstance is something we can not always change but it is the change inside ourselves that makes a difference. What you have achieved is amazing, you have raised your son by yourself. I have some suggestions but would prefer to email them to you directly instead of your blog.

  5. Everyone needs a break.
    And heck, ranting and venting out is super important for any sane person. :D Just hang in there, things will get better. Trust me. Hoping for the best!

  6. I hear you…I hear how frustrating it is and how painful it is. I know what its like to work work work, and only just get by. I know what its like to have all those questions and no answers. I just wanted to tell you that I hear you! From a fellow single mom xxx

  7. This is so honest and I love how you just say it how it is.. Hell most days I wonder what I signed up for too! This is hard work so much harder than i thought it would be! You sound like an amazing person and you are not a failure.. You have an adorable child who needs you and in their eyes you are their world! Try not to worry it will get better one day.. All you need is hope xxx

  8. It takes far more strength and guts to tell the truth and be honest about ones feelings. You are not a failure. All you are trying to do is survive and that at times can be trying at the best of times. We are conditioned to putting on the “I am fine face”. Sometimes it takes a moment like this when you have hit the eye of the storm that you have to say Okay I am not okay. You will be amazed how many people will open their hearts and rejoice with you. It is so okay to have a crap day and feel awful.

  9. Your last line says it all. As hard as it is, as miserable as it gets, we push forward for our children. I only hope for some peace for you.

  10. Just remember that you are stronger than you think you are, and to open up publically and admit how you really feel makes you stronger than most!

    And you might be his mommy so a little biased, but from what I have seen on your blog he is a pretty amazing child.

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