If the weather matched my mood today it would be a crisis as we’d have a class TEN hurricane on our hands. Destructive, dangerous to be around, a little calm in the middle and then it hits you hard again when you think it’s all over.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve gone from 100mg to 150mg of lamotragine or if it’s from putting on a brave face too long. Everyone tells me I’m a supermom and how they take their hat off to me, I smile and say it’s nothing but inside I want to punch them in the face and throw this fucking invisible cape at them and tell them to take on the role.
I keep saying that everything is fine but it’s not, it never has been. I’ve never been fine. Not since they day I was born, not since pre-school where I was told I’m too weird to be friends with. Not since the day I started pretending and dying a little more inside every time I have to smile and say “I’m fine, everything is okay, and I’ve got this.”
I’m a 24 year old who stupidly got knocked up at 20, I haven’t studied ‘cause I can’t afford it. I blame everyone for my mistakes when they aren’t to blame because it’s all my own stupidity, my own choices and actions. I’ve been waiting for some miracle to happen.
For everything to be okay.
I work my behind off and at the end of the month what do have to show for it? Stress.
Right now I feel like a failure and I wish I could end everything, but then what happens to fish? There is no way on this planet that I would let biodad raise him, I don’t want it influencing my beautiful, independent and happy child. I have so much absolute hatred in me right now that I feel sick. I hate me, I hate that I’m an only parent, I hate that Ashley abandoned us, I hate that I feel this way, I hate that I ever met him.
This is the only place I know I can vent because here I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks, you either read my blog or you stay the fuck away. Easy as that. I might be a mom but even moms are human, we have human feelings and there some days are like today. Where all you want to do is go out and get drunk even though can’t. I know a lot of mom’s that would never admit it; they say they are uber happy and that this is exactly what they want, that they never have day’s like this. Pssh… I don’t believe them for a second. Cause if that is true then fuck I must be the worst parent alive for admitting defeat every now and then.
Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual, no book on the shelf could ever prepare you for it and there is nothing out there that can prep you for the stress, the heartache, the unconditional love and the instinct to protect that comes with parenthood. I might not be coping right at this minute but there is NOTHING I wouldn’t do or give up for this child of mine.