I am my own 50 shades

Today I had a male friend (who never met biodad) declare that he is a real douchebag. Obviously I agree but then again I do have my reasons, so I asked why HE thinks so and his answer kind of threw me off a little bit: because the way he treated you makes it harder for guys like me or any future boyfriend.

In a sense I could say I’m a little shocked, I often joke and say I’m broken but after that comment and being told several times how I’m the female version of Mr Grey I sort of stopped to think about it. I guess I am fucked up, I don’t trust anyone not even my own parents and I build serious walls making damned certain I don’t go through what I did again. I have seen, done and experienced so much in the past 6 years and a lot of it I wouldn’t wish on an enemy. Not that I would change it even if I was given the chance seeing as one small change could mean no fishness.

So maybe I am 50 shades of fucked up. In realising and admitting that I am even more grateful for those select few who put up with me. And maybe one day I’ll find someone as damned persistent as Ms Steel who’ll accept me 50 shades and all. I really am trying to learn how to have just a little more faith in people but for now I think I think I’ll keep the walls up, they’re helping me cope, compartmentalise my life and keep me somewhat social-ish, maybe I’ll just build them a little lower…

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One thought on “I am my own 50 shades

  1. I hear ya…
    I did not ever want to experience the pain I had been through or expose my son to the heartache. It wasn’t just me, I had to think for my boy as well. A single mom’s relationship is a threesome from the get-go no matter how long it takes for the new beau to actually meet or get to know the child.

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