Today I decided to tell my stinky mood and attitude where it can shove it’s ugly little head. The past month or so knocked me down a peg or three, I counted my chickens before they hatched and ended up with easter eggs instead. But I’ve decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to dust off the knees, tend to the scratches on the palms and keep on moving forward.
There’s a saying that goes “if nothing seems to be going right, go left” which is really cute and catchy but if you keep going left you end up right back where you started sadly, sometimes though this is a bit of a good thing as it might just mean it’s exactly where you should be “if it aint broke don’t kick it” or something like that…
I put down my camera for a long time now, I was so focused on helping others grow their business bigger and into a success that I let my own tack a backseat. Instead of doing what I loved I did what I thought I should do. Leaving GSD was a tough decision in the beginning, one that was thankfully made a lot easier for me in the end, I loved working there and it’s a brilliant business idea but unfortunately I set myself up from the start with that one and soon was (as has happened too often in the past) taken advantage of.
I’ve been left in this slump after being constantly berated for things out of my control, being put down and made to feel bad about the fact that I’m only 24, being told I’ll never study as where will I find the time or finances, being made promises that were never kept – reminds me of past relationships actually – and I started resenting my circumstances, myself and even my son. Because who would hire a 24 year old aspie with “too much” knowledge, not enough “steady experience” and no degree. Bouncing back has taken me a good few tries, a billion tears and even a bottle of vodka or 3 (shared with friends, I’m not an alcoholic…) but I’m back. And fuck it but I am back with a hungry vengeance.
I have decided to pick up where I left off, sort of as being gone for so many months has left a large gap that others were quick to fill. The market might be even worse than it was 8 months ago, what with every tom and sally who got a lovely fancy camera for their birthday claiming to be a photographer. But I am good at what I do. No use in being modest, I know my creativity finds it’s way into my camera when I pick it up and my ego is constantly stroked by many who confirm this.
So here is to finding me again, to getting back up, to making what I’m great at work for me.
There are 2 and a bit weeks left in this month… Let’s make ends meet and bills paid.
I can do this.