I feel like one of the most hypocritical people alive. I try so hard to be happy, vibey and positive yet it’s the exact opposite of how I feel. There is so much I should be thankful for but right now even though I know that storms bring rainbows I feel like my life is one large hurricane season where the calm periods are nothing more than a build up for the next storm to come.
Last night my computer screen decided it has had enough and simply packed up. Great, let’s add that to the list of things that need fixing/replacing why don’t we. You know, sure thing – all the fused lightbulbs, my cars fan and front suspension, my tab that needs to be back paid, the meds I can’t afford, the bills, the computer screen, the bare fridge. None of this would matter if I had a few thousand stashed away but as is I am in debt far beyond my ears and pretty much fudge-all coming in bar the odd shoot here and there. And it’s sure as fuck not for lack of trying.
I know there are people worse off than me. Just being able to type this out and post it (even if I do have to use mums net) is already so much to be thankful for but right now I can’t see the woods for the trees and it’s frustrating me to the point where I snapped at Fysh this morning for wanting bread when there’s none in the house which of course has me feeling like the worst and most undeserving person out there. Worst parent of the year award goes to the stupid cow who has the most amazing little person in the world calling her mom yet sometimes wonders what life would be like had she not kept him when there are so many women out there who would give their left leg to call him theirs.
And of course the stupid cow picked up a book last night deciding that maybe losing myself in a bit of fiction would help – stupidest idea ever as I picked up a Sparks novel and of course (being the butt of life’s jokes) it was one about a single mom with a little boy and the biodad not wanting squat to do with her or the kid… And as is typical with a Sparks novel it ended happily ever after. Yeah… I am sitting here feeling more alone, more lonely, more dejected, more unwanted and more pathetic than I have in a very long time.
Two steps forward, two steps back and a few dozen to the side. Sometimes I wonder why I even try anymore as it is clear as day that it’s no bloody use.
I’m clearly only good enough when there’s no one else around or there’s too much alcohol involved.
But then Fysh gives me a hug and tells me it’s okay, then I remember why I put up with this crap everyday. It’s for him. And I hope that one day maybe, just maybe, I’ll read back and laugh at how pathetic I sound. Maybe one day things will FINALLY have worked out. Maybe.