bah humbug

Just the thought of the festive season has me bursting into one of those ugly cries. You know the type I’m talking about – a regte snot en trane style meltdown where you resemble Rudolph’s cousin and tissues run for cover in fear. Yup, one of those.

Usually I start singing carols from early on in November already and we start scoping out which tree we want (I’ll blog about our rather odd traditions some time) but this year I’m in full blown AVOID mode. I try not to go near any shops and not only cause financially it’s a clever plot but because seeing all the décor and hearing those cheesy carols has me cringing. Not to mention Fysh who is of course in that “I WANT” phase right now…

This morning he wanted something or other (I forget what exactly, I think a steri stumpie) and I had to say no, he piped up saying “you make me sad mummy” < how do I explain to a 3 year old that having to say no to something so trivial makes ME sad because the reality is that mummy can’t afford it. He’s at the age where he knows things cost money and that you need money to buy things but he doesn’t quite grasp the value of it yet. Give him R1 in 5c coins and he’ll tell you that he’ll buy you xyz…

I know that this time of year isn’t supposed to be about the presents and I am thankful that he hasn’t reached the point yet (like my brother) where he knows that xmas time means gifts (though the way R has been going on around him I might have to reassess if Fysh has or hasn’t started the association yet). But it still breaks my heart that Mrs Clause won’t be piling the gifts high under the tree for him this year, if any at all. Mark my words though… soon as things come right I am going to spoil this kid so rotten!

Anyone else feeling a whole lot more like scrooge and a whole lot less like saint nic or is it just me?


3 thoughts on “bah humbug

  1. I burst into tears just last night…we make quite a snotty pair…I feel a little in two minds about Christmas. Last year we didnt really celebrate..couldnt coz we had literally nothing, except a yogurt and a bread roll and then some shelter angels who gave Ninchuck some jammies…but I was away from everyone and the loneliest and most lost i had ever felt…..and yet this year I will have the family and the friends and I am able to buy Ninchuck a gift this year……but its a mixture of pain and elation. I simply had to think about how it would feel being able to actually sit at the same table with my family this year and I started bawling my eyes out. I dont even want to think about it because my head gets all confused..I am actually afraid of Christmas this year…afraid of what it holds in terms of emotions and somehow it feels like when I wake up and see Ninchucks face on Christmas day my heart is going to shatter, because I so remember waking up to her face last year and how I absolutely broke inside! Its a wierd scary thing…in part I am grateful I am not completely loaded right now because I totally know I would buy that little girl the world to make up for last year which defeats the point!!! Big blab from me…big hugs to you!!!! xx

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