fix my head please

i'm strong but i break

My mind is all over today. I want to bitch and moan about how I feel like I’m constantly in the friendzone where all my other friends are out and dating or going on dates, how I get home to kid and that’s pretty much all my life entails but at the same time I feel the need to chastise myself because my kid is awesome and I should be a okay with that being how my life is.

But I have to sit back and wonder when did the highlight of my days go from getting ready to go out and have some fun with friends or a potential to fetching my kid and spending time with him? When did the highlight go from partying till the break of dawn turn to crawling into bed with a book and popcorn.

When did I become the person that gets automatically lobbed into the “friend zone” or “kid sister”.

I can pinpoint the day actually. And I can blame the scale as well. But at the end of the day I guess it’s all my own fault. Head is just a mess today, it’s one of those days where I am both loving and not liking being a parent. Not sure why though seeing as I got great news today pertaining to the academy in Zanzibar which of course leads to what the future holds for Fysh and I, my first listing has paid and I even sent my CV in for a dream of a position. And maybe that’s what has these thoughts of mine discombobulated, our future and what could/would have been.

But as I always do on days like this, I’ll fetch fysh from the nanny and take him through to the beach so we can sit and have ice cream, get our feet wet and marvel at the beauty that is this city we live in. then we’ll go home, pop a movie on, make some popcorn and cuddles. It won’t change things, it won’t make things any different but its how things are. I love my kids so I’m going to feel sorry for myself for a few more hours and then fetch him and smother him with loves to cover up my insecurities.

Know this though, just because I question my life does not mean I regret it or the incredible little person I am responsible for. Mum says it’s just my meds finally detoxing out of my system. She’s probably right. Doesn’t mean I like feeling like this at all though.wpid-sign-off.png


6 thoughts on “fix my head please

    • The job I applied for is here actually doing eMarketing for Cape Town Tourism, the academy is being opened in Zanzibar and I’ll take him with, I can’t leave him as he only has me. But Zanzibar will open be a move we make in 6 to 12 months. (Hence still applying for positions now)

  1. What Kirsty said. For me, it’s all about balance. And I seem to have to try to get the balance right every day. Balance your parenting with time for yourself (whenever you can!), balance your work with whatever you do for fun. Also – Fysh is growing up, it gets easier as they get older. Trust me :-)

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