Find you in the dark

I just finished reading a book I randomly picked out to read yesterday – Find you in the dark, written by A. Meridith Walters.
I have tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart after finishing it.

The narator is Maggie May Young, a 17 year old who falls inlove with Clayton Reed, nothing out of the ordinary there except that Clayton is bi-polar and has a borderline personality disorder. Both of which yours truly is/has, amongst a sleugh of other things. I read the way Walters describes his highs and his lows, almost as if she’s experienced them herself (I googled her and turns out she was a councelor for several years) but what struck me most was not what Clayton was feeling and going through – because I have first hand experience, fuck I could write an entire book on what it feels like to try and deal with your brain not working as it should, the desperation of wanting some sort of normal – what got me was how Maggie reacted to him.

Clayton’s parents are uncaring and unloving which ultimately leads to the majority of his self loathing and destruction and after reading his story I am so grateful for my parents and how supportive they have been and are. I am not an easy person to be around and never have been, my high’s are high and my low’s are low but somehow with their support and patience I’ve learned to cope a little better. There are times I so badly wish they’d had me institutionalised but I know I would have just used it as an escape, an easy out. I was a horrible child/teenager full of hatred, angst and most of all fear and I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve the amazing family I have. Reading Maggies point of view on Clayton opened my eyes to what I’ve more than likely put many people in my life through.

I can’t change who I am, there is no quick fix, no easy way to deal with it, it has taken me years to reach the slight semblence of normality and even then I’m tiptoeing the line. And it scares me, I scare me. I read about Maggie and Clayton and what she has to put up with and I feel like no one deserves that and it’s a large reason as to why I shut people out, why I turn people away. Because I know I am high maintenance, I require bucket loads of patience and understanding which is a lot to ask of anyone. Those high’s are fine and dandy but they are just as dangerous if not more so as those dark low’s. One day I hope to be able to properly thank my friends and family for sticking around because after reading this book I know that a simple “thank you” will never suffice.

And looking at Fysh snoozing away next to me now and thinking about what an amazing little person he is I know that I use him as a crutch, he is my sanity, he saved me from myself and because of him I have hope that maybe, just maybe I really am doing okay.

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