where’s my daddy? is he dead?

I knew this day would come. I was hoping it would come along a little later than this but then again how can I be so naive when he’s started school, when he’s around other kids… Kids talk and ask questions.

We were walking in checkers yesterday perusing the produce isle when out of the blue Fysh asked me why he doesn’t have a daddy. I have had this conversation planned out in my head since forever, this dialog running through my mind and I knew exactly what I was going to tell him. Until he filled the awkward silence with a “because my daddy is dead hey.”

It was a statement not a question and he skipped on off and asked for a sterri stumpie. I just stood there floored. What do I do or say? How do I broach the subject of a willingly absent parent to a 3 ½ year old? How do I tell him that his daddy is not dead, that he simply left us for another family? That he would rather raise other men’s kids instead of his own? I spent many years hating biodad and it’s taken me a long time to reach this indifference I feel for him now. But that still doesn’t help my situation. I have never stopped him from making contact, he decided that all on his own.

It would be so much easier to agree with his “it’s because he’s dead” statement, it would save time and effort and help with those abandonment issues. But that would make me a liar and he already has a parent who willingly left, walked away from his awesomeness. I won’t stoop to that level. So what am I going to do? I have absolutely no fucking idea. Make damn sure he knows he IS worth being around, love him more than he can stand and hope that he doesn’t bring up the subject again I suppose…wpid-sign-off.png


8 thoughts on “where’s my daddy? is he dead?

  1. Hectic mommy!
    You have it right though, making sure he knows he is loved and valued will make everything else easier in the long run.
    (((hugs))) for both of you

  2. WOW, I cant even imagine what that must have made you feel.

    In my opinion, I think that you definitely need to let him know that he is loved, that you have never wanted anything more than him, but you also need to tell him that his dead is alive. If you take that away from him and one day he finds out that you lied it will be VERY hard for him to forgive you!

    Always be truthful, but rather wait until he brings it up again!

    Good luck xx

  3. I had a similar conversation with my daughter a few weeks ago…she didn’t think he was dead, she just wanted to know where he is. I decided to answer questions truthfully, but only answer what has been asked. so i showed her photos of him and the lady he lives with and she was quite happy with that. The next time she asks she might ask why is he there, and I’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

    Good luck! It’s rough…

  4. Hectic – good luck! I think Louisa’s suggestion is a great way to approach it. Just say facts as he asks. He just wanted to know where he is, so tell him, leave all the emotional stuff out of it.

    BUT – I am not talking from experience and have NO history to back up my suggestion. I am sure that you will do the best for him, as you have always done and as you will continue to do.

  5. I can’t imagine how hard this must be. I agree with everyone else. You have done a fabulous job so far and will continue to do so. You will do the right thing for you and him.
    Good luck!

  6. I just read your post, and I can totally relate to you… I’m just in the process of divorce, and I had some of the issues you are dealing or dealt with. My situation is much more easy, because bio dad is there for the kid, although he did left HIS family (after ten year marriage) for a fling….
    I can not tell you the key or the secret of how to deal with it, the Lord knows I’ve been very lost and trying to do good, but making sure your kid knows you love him above everything is the right place to start! Also give him the truth accordingly to his age… my son is also 3&1/2, and when he asked why daddy is not at home, I just explained that he lives now somewhere else, but didn’t gave any more reason or info, and that he (my son) and mommy will keep living together… I also talked to him like it is (was) the most normal thing in life (although I think that because divorce is common nowadays it does NOT make it normal).
    May the Lord bless you and guide you trough this hard path, and fill your life with health and happiness!!! I’m not really an overly religious person, but trough all this, I’ve realized that having faith and pray does really help.
    Good luck!

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