now what? where to from here?

Last year right after buying my new car shit hit the fan. I got retrenched from work, the other started costing me money to work at so I left it. How the hell I have survived the past 9 months I am still not really sure. Somehow I have. And things slowly started looking better, Zanzibar is but a stretch away and yet it’s still just too far and the rope that I’ve been clinging to has come to a fast end.

There is nothing out there that will ever make me feel like a bigger failure than the bank phoning me to let me know they will be repossessing my car tomorrow. Wow ABSA. Way to kick a girl when she’s down. Thank you.

Up until Feb I’d been managing to make shit work for me, someone upstairs decided that I have not been tested enough as of yet and decided to trip me and then pull away the safety ladder so the past few months I’ve been hanging on for dear life and today my fingers are slipping.

This is reality. This is real life. There’s no point in sugar coating it at all. Like it or don’t. You can tell me to keep my dirty laundry to myself or to hush up and be positive but for what? Why should I pretend that shit is hunky dory when it so obviously is not?! And this during my fucking birthday week. How’s that for a cruel joke.

I am a survivor though. I keep getting told “it’s going to be okay” or “you always manage to keep going” that’s fucking fantastic. Thank you for that… but where exactly do I go from here hey?! Don’t you think that if I knew I’d be there already? That I’d be doing it already. Yes yes I’m sure I’ll manage something and look back and laugh but right this second I can’t see the next step. I have no back up, no fall back, I have no plan.

And that scares me most of all. I have no plan.
All I can say right this very moment is that I am very grateful to have amazing friends and family who are lending me all the positivity they can spare. I just hope that it’s enough…


6 thoughts on “now what? where to from here?

  1. Ah my dear sweet girl

    Am so so so sorry u r going thru such financial difficulty and that your car is going back…..u know u have great strength and courage to talk so openly to everyone about it, your personality shines through even on your darkest days…..I wish I could help you.

    Hopefully somebody will. In the meantime, I really pray you get offered the most incredible well-paid job very soon.

    Much love


    Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

  2. Man, that really sucks!! If I won the Lotto I would totally employ you! I hope that Amazon thing works out. Are you still collecting Beanies? I keep thinking that I must get some for you and then I forget. If I get some, how can I get them to you? And I still have your tray. Would you consider doing any sort of tutoring? My son (14) is doing really badly at school and I have been thinking of finding him a tutor, mainly in Eng and Afr but generally to make sure he does his homework.

    PS: how is the weight loss going? I have not done as well as I’d hoped but am getting there slowly.

    • hey hey, okay going to number my answers so i don’t miss out on any:
      1) Thank you, so do I!
      2) Yup still collecting, can arrange to collect em or drop them off which ever is easier.
      3) I keep forgetting about that damn tray! hahaha
      4) Actually I used to tutor but all my kids either graduated or no longer need me. We can chat about it if you are still looking for someone?
      5) Weightloss has slowed down, think I’ve been building muscle as the kg’s stay the same but the cm’s still get a little less. Crap though as we’re so conditioned to go by what the scale says…

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