last day blues


Ever seen those old westerns where they tie the limbs of someone to four different horses then get said equine to run off in different directions? I feel like that’s being done to me today.

I’m having a bad parenting day, not in the sense that Fysh is being difficult but in the sense that it’s my last day at Amazon and I’m feeling that if I didn’t have him I wouldn’t be forced to leave. It’s the first job I’ve been in for a while now and I’ve grown to really love it and all the people here but because Fysh isn’t coping with my hours I’ve had to resign and accept a job with an even lower salary so I can have normal hours.

Bad mom award I know. But this young parent thing is hard and this only parent thing is even harder. It’ll pass and I’ll get over it but right this second I’m just angry at that pink line for showing up in the first place.
It’s probably the worst thing ever to say and I’m pretty sure Fysh will read this one day and be all “wtf mom?!” but I need to vent it out right now. I love you my boy but you really don’t make my life easier. And when you throw tantrums like you did last night telling me you don’t love me… yeah that doesn’t quite help either. I know what society depicts I should feel and I know what I do feel and the guilt that intersects the two is just sucky I tell you.

Well, last day here… I have the weekend to myself so hopefully Fysh will want to spend some time with me tomorrow and we’ll head on over to canal walk to do the monthly shopping (cause I can actually do that this month!) and go watch a movie of his choosing – I’m holding thumbs that will be “Turbo” ;)

And then we hope this new chapter is exactly what my life needs…


6 thoughts on “last day blues

  1. Don’t be so hard on yourself! You’re a person first and foremost, before you are a mom and all your hopes and dreams did not just vanish when you became a mom! You’re not a bad mom and you certainly are not winning the bad parenting award, because as hard as it is, you’ve still chosen to do what’s best for your child. It may be hard but you’re doing it anyway and in my books, that makes you a very good mom!

    • I totally agree with you Sharon; I feel the same as cupcakemummy some days. There’s this expectation that we should just give up our dreams and hopes because we have children, which I totally disagree with. Yes, my daughter comes first in everything, but sometimes it really does hurt putting her first. I am a person too; I am here too. I also need looking after and I also enjoy being put first *sigh*

      But anyway, loved your post and just know that you’re not alone *hugs*

  2. I agree with the others. Just the fact that you gave up a job you love proves that you are a good parent. But I understand how you feel and it is good to vent sometimes. If Fysh ever reads this he will still know how much you love him and that you are only human. I just shipped my eldest off to Jhb to visit his cousins but Mitchell is still a bit young. There are times like this when I do resent this laat-lammetjie as if he wasn’t here we would not have to worry about babysitters this weekend as we are having to do now.

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