conversations with myself

Parenting ain’t easy.
There’s no book that tells you how things go and the media sugar coats it and other parents don’t like admitting that sometimes they just want to leave the kid screaming and lock themselves in the bathroom.

I’m no picture perfect parent. When times are especially tough I wonder what I did so wrong to be left to raise a kid on my own, why I decided to have and keep him. It frustrates me that I wasn’t able to go be stupid in my early 20’s. I’ve tossed the thought of dating out the window cause who the heck has time for someone that has a kid and can’t go places without arranging it in advance and then only if granny isn’t busy.

Of course these thoughts are always followed by waves of guilt.

But along with those times there are good times that completely overshadow them and make it a little easier to put those vicious little voices back in their corner.

Yesterday I fetched Fysh early from school and treated him a little. We sat watching a movie and he got up to go wherever, coming back into the lounge I got a “MOM” which of course elicits a “what did you do now?” from me. He’s quiet for a little bit then says “nothing I pinkie promise. You’re pretty momma” < COMPLETE heart melt moment.

Things like that, things like his funny little quips: “did you swallow a dictionary? No, I did downloaded it” and the way he’ll randomly say “where’s my hug?” or scream out “I love you most” even when he’s having a wee at the aquarium loo (yes this has happened) and the fact that he will randomly rub my hand on his face when I’m holding his and kiss it.

I’m lucky that he’s not the kind of soul who throws many tantrums and when he does he usually says “I don’t like you anymore” then runs off and slams the bedroom door. Parenting isn’t easy, there are ups and downs but when you’re up it’s pretty high up.

This soul… he has helped me grow, he’s help me acknowledge needing help and he’s the reason I persist and deal with the ups and downs of medications. He’s taught me patience and that nothing is impossible, to be fearless and look at life positively. Most of all he has shown me that unconditional love really does exist


6 thoughts on “conversations with myself

  1. I had a parenting day from hell on Tuesday, nanny was off sick, I was frustrated and anxious about missing work, Ava was having a total melt down about having to wear pants, Hannah was just whiny and I spent the entire day oscillating between wondering why on earth I wanted children to badly and feeling extremely guilty for those thoughts. When W walked in, I was standing in the kitchen pouring a glass of wine and then proceeded to tell him I needed 10 minutes alone with my wine.
    The one thought I kept having is I don’t know how single parents do it. I could not do this without the help and support of my husband! I couldn’t.
    But, just like you’re said above, there are moments of such pure bliss that even though they may be fleeting, they make the entire trying experience worth it!

  2. “I’ve tossed the thought of dating out the window cause who the heck has time for someone that has a kid and can’t go places without arranging it in advance and then only if granny isn’t busy.”

    And just look at you now… extra pair of legs **Happiness**

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