Life hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing for me, I’ve seen the horizon a few times but then there’s a strong southerly and you’re trying to keep your sales in tact during gale force winds so you have to hook a right or a left and sometimes even double back.
I know I’m not the only one but I also know that all of us feel like we are and when you’re in a crappy situation it feels like it’s you against the world. My life is generally like this even without the usual crap thrown my way and believe me, I’ve had A LOT of crap come this way. Depression is a bitch covered in glitter and put on fire, people really want to do something or help but they’d rather turn a blind eye or tell you to just get over it. Seriously? You want me to “just get over it” oh yeah, cause it’s THAT easy. Hey brain… why don’t you just go and make some of the proper chemicals and while you’re at it start functioning “normally” because apparently it’s just that easy.
Depression doesn’t instantaneously hit you when you’re bipolar or have borderline personality disorder, sure for some the manic up and down’s can be minutes or hours apart but for me it’s more like a slow fog rolling in, you can see it and feel it getting closer and then it engulfs you and you can’t see a way out. There’s no shining light, no radar and no real quick fix. Even medication doesn’t fully keep the fog at bay. It feels a bit like being stuck in a phone booth, everyone is milling around you and living life in colour but you’re in a black and white box of dull sounds and lethargic movements.
I can feel the fog bank rolling in, yes I’ve taken my medication, and I’m trying to do things that make me happy and keep busy but I blank out and wonder what the hell the purpose of all this is. I’m tired and I have no urge to do anything, I’ve started looking at myself negatively and I know it but I can’t just change it.
I’m trying to follow the yellow brick road and just be happy.
I really am.