I am officially on the CDU list at the clinic, offically a chronic medication patient *happy dance*
It has taken me 10 years on this journey to finally reach this status, 10 years of on again off again. 10 years of psychiatrists, denial, diets, natural and herbal options and misdiagnosis. It’s been a really long journey of finding myself and realising that I can’t do it on my own and that it’s okay to ask for help, that having to rely on medication to balance out chemicals does not make you weak it makes you brave. It’s taken me years and yet it hasn’t. I’m only 26, there are people who go even longer without seeking help or getting treatment, people double my age who know they need it but are too scared or still in denial.
So why am I happy that I’m listed as a chronic patient? I guess it’s something that only other patients reaching this point can really understand but let me try and explain it for you. You might not follow my thought trail and that’s okay, it’s not always an easy one to follow or so I’ve been told. Though I was told last night by a friend that she wants to spend a day inside my head, I think that’s a compliment but I also thing she’d need a bit of a psych ward time out if she did.
yourself myself and others like me a favour and read up on Borderline Personality Disorder before reading the post, it might make a little more sense to you if you do. You don’t have to, it’s just a suggestion.
My emotions are pretty black and white but overly so, there is no grey, it’s either really dark or it’s really bright and it can go from one to the other in an instant. The light is full of sarcasm, inside jokes and rats with party hats on where as the dark is blades, self loathing and regret. The medication is dimmer switch if you will or the bridge between the two. It’s what balances the two out, it makes the dark a seem a little less dark and the light not as bright. It doesn’t sort it out completely though, I sometimes wish it did, my emotions still run a lot stronger than what’s classified as average and am a lot more sensitive to things and coupled of course with sensory sensitivity doesn’t make it any better. But it helps.
Are you following along? Yes? No? Maybe? Let’s explain it more clinically then…
People with BPD are often exceptionally idealistic, joyful and loving. However they may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance and panic instead of nervousness. People with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation and perceived failure. Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their intense negative emotions may lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior. They are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, they shut them down entirely. This can be harmful to people with BPD, since negative emotions alert people to the presence of a problematic situation and move them to address it.
Leading to why I am so happy today… Getting to chronic status means that we have finally found a stable bridge i.e. a medication combination that actually works for a long period of time. So now instead of sitting at the clinic for hours on end I can go in on a specified day at a specified time and pick up a pre-packed prescription which means that a trip that usually takes me up to 9 hours will now take me a maximum of 2 hours. That’s a huge thing. It also means that when I reach the point where I can go back onto medical aid they will cover my medication.