wouldn’t you be upset?

I let Fysh’s aunt fetch him for an ice cream at the beach, Fysh was at mum so she picked him up and dropped him off there again. Nothing out of the ordinary, she tries to make an effort to be in his life and to see him and I’m thankful for that. What I am upset about though is that this time round she decided it would be okay to take her mother with who is visiting from the UK and introduce her to Fysh. This is his “granny” and I put it in quotation marks because she is granny by relation only. She’s the biodad’s mother. The one who kept the fact that he was seeing other people in the UK a secret while he was supposed to be finding a place for us to say, her excuse being that we were broken up. Bad excuse seeing that as far as I was aware and as far as he let on we were still together and I thought this up till the point that one of his girlfriends broke up with me. Yeah you read right.

Anyway, I was really angry, vehemently so, bloodthirstily so. But now I’m just hurt, I feel betrayed. She claims she didn’t think it would bother me, well it did and does.

That family abandoned us, I raise my son alone, I struggle from day to day to make ends meet and if it weren’t for my amazing family and friends I wouldn’t be able to. But them? They send a tshirt or kaleidoscope every now and then and think that means that they’re entitled to seeing him. Maybe I’m being unfair but I don’t think so.

After chatting to my psychiatrist we’d agreed that it would be best for Fysh to leave meeting the family until such a time as he asks and is old enough to actually understand because abandonment issues are worst in boys and affects them so we’d rather shower him with love now and keep the rest to a minimum. And that this meeting was done behind my back betrays the trust that I had. For him to be introduced to someone he won’t see again, a “granny” that he doesn’t even bond with, that’s not going to do him any good, it’s going to being up questions he’s not old enough to understand yet.

I have never lied to Fysh, he knows he has an Ashley that lives in England and that he doesn’t see him because he has a different family. That in itself is harsh on him. I could make it easier, I could lie and say he’s dead instead of my kid thinking he’s not good enough to be around.

So now do you see why I am conflicted, angry and hurt?
There is no single mom/only parent handbook, no one tells you how to deal with things like this and I’m trying to do the best I can. For me that means that side of the family stays away until they’re willing to apologise and make amends or until Fysh asks to see them. My adopted brother had a father that wanted nothing to do with him and he told me it hurt but he was so loved by us that he realised his sperm donor was just that. I hope that Fysh grows up knowing that he is more loved than anything in this world, that I would literally kill for him and that it’s the sperm donors loss not his.

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7 thoughts on “wouldn’t you be upset?

  1. I feel indignant and upset for you! Surely this is something that should have been discussed not just to clear it with you first, but also to help you prepare your son and give him the adequate info and answer any questions he may have. Shucks man – Sometimes people don’t think beyond themselves. So silly because all this will do is hurt the trust you have in her and make you question it the next time she as to see your son. You are well in your right to be annoyed. Hopefully you can get past it without too much damage.

  2. It is so complicated. Because there are, in my mind anyway, to separate issues at play here…. Your feelings of hurt & betrayal, which are totally justified and Fysh’s need/want/right (not sure of the correct word) to know his family, the two are totally separate but still completely woven together too.
    Very very hard! And yes, I’d be totally pissed too!

  3. this whole situation could have been avoided if she had just picked up the phone and asked you if it would be fine, can imagine how cross u must have been

  4. Oh Fysh would know that he is so incredibly loved that spermdonor is of no importance. Of that I am sure because I can see and feel the love.

    I would have totally lost it! And no, the aunt can not see him again unless it is under your or your moms eyes.

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