one of those tough times

Yesterday the biodads sister came around to fetch Fysh for sushi. My child LOVES sushi and gifts. She bribed him (I’m his mother, only I’m allowed to bribe him) with both but he refused to go with her. I have no idea why, out of that entire family she’s the only one who’s ever actually cared about him but for some reason yesterday he just decided that no he isn’t going. Hi own person already with his own decisions and wants. I’m raising an independent kid with thoughts of his own.

Her visits generally bring up questions about the bided as I’m sure that despite my asking not to she brings up the family in conversation. I know she didn’t this time as she stayed at us for tea so I was around for this visit (which I’ll admit I was a little happier about after what happened last time).

Let’s note first that I don’t speak badly about that family in front of Fysh, I was angry when he was really little and probably said one or two things back then but since he’s been aware of whats happening around him I’ve more skirted the subject than met it head on until recently when he started asking questions directly of course. I’m honest with him, his “dad” lives in England with his new family and no I don’t know why he doesn’t care about him. I also try word care about him that he’s just busy with his new family and Fysh doesn’t have to worry because there are so many people who love him too much.

Last night out of nowhere he said “I wish my dad would die” of course on the inside a part of me agrees but I can’t voice that so I asked him why and his response was that he’s ugly and mean and doesn’t care so he must die. My heart ached for this little boy. No one should ever feel that way about someone that had something to do with their creation and here this almost 6 year old wishes him dead. That’s heart breaking. I explained to him that we shouldn’t wish people dead even if they’re mean to us. That he’s just got a new family and that I don’t really know why he doesn’t make an effort. I asked Fysh if he’d maybe like to meet him one day and he said no. I explained that if he meets him he can talk to him and ask him questions but he said he would ignore him and not talk to him.

It’s a really hard situation to be thrown into. But it’s also one that makes me appreciate The Person and the rest of my family so much more. He loves The Person and I think The Person is still a little touch and go about the subject of being seen as a dad but he loves Fysh right back. He’s taken on the roll even though he won’t up to it and he’s done so with grace. It takes a really strong man to walk up to a table and pick up what another man threw away. I am beyond blessed that that soul is one that’s around my son to help raise him because we’re raising an amazing soul and I’m glad he has him to look up to.

As for the biodad. I really don’t know. I’m in two minds about him I really am. I don’t think I’m really mad at him anymore I’m just hurt but at the same time I am glad he’s not in our lives because my son doesn’t need the influence of someone who so easily walked out of his life. Also he doesn’t contribute a cent or emotional dime so he really has no say in any of it. Will I let him meet his son. In my presence yes. When Fysh is ready and if yesterday was any indication then I know he’ll tell me himself when he’s ready. That’s if he ever shows any interest anyway.

I know I’m not the only one in this situation and my thoughts are with all those who are in it as well. We’ll get through this and our kids will survive it we just have to “love you too much” as Fysh says.

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10 thoughts on “one of those tough times

  1. Kids pick up more than we know, they are such pure souls. If Mikayla does not like someone or does not want to be alone with someone – and if it is not due to shyness, I automatically ask myself what’s wrong with that person – what have they done to make my child not trust or like them? That’s just my opinion anyway…

  2. My heart aches for this post as my own bio-dad did the same thing. Parents divorced when I was two, he married a stripper, had two kids, got divorced, moved to the UK and married again. 20 years later and he still doesn’t care to interact with me or know about my family, hopes or dreams, etc. I have written countless letters, just as your little man will. He will go through stages of anger and complete heartache… but you’re lucky you have your person. I had a man step up and be my dad too. And that makes him awesome! Things will get tougher before they get easier, but your son will grow up with such a great love and respect for the men who stick around. I have written a letter to my dad, who stuck around: http://bb-blog.co.za/2014/06/09/my-father-whos-name-is-luis/

    • it’s so hard and I’m sorry you had to go through it but looking at you now, strong and raising a family of your own, that gives me hope for Fysh x thanks for sharing your story x

  3. – I also just want to leave this, I don’t often talk about it, but anyway. My bio dad was exrtemely bipolar, altough – back then they did not really know what that was. I don’t remember him, but one night he shot at my mom and then turned the gun on himself.
    Sometimes things really do happen for a reason. When I was about 6/7, my mom married my stephdad, who is the best father in the world. He is my dad. He has never treated me any different than my sisters (his bio kids), he loves me unconditionally, he raised me, he is the one I go to for advice, he is everyting a real dad should be.

    I would not be the person I am today if my bio dad decided to stick around, and neither would my strong, amazingly independant mom. Some people are better left in memories and shadows. of course it is not easy,it messed me up for a long time… but having my stephdad there to guide me, and mostly – having my strong warrior mom to look up to – it all turned out more than okay in the end. I have absolutely no contact with his family, despite begging and pleading from their side. I refuse, they abandoned my mom in a time of great need – they can live with their shattered concious, it is not my problem. What I am trying to say is, just always be there for Fysh… be strong and show him the good in life. Guide him, love him, be everything he needs… there will be crappy situations, maybe he will rebel at some point, but you are doing a great job. And his bio dad can suck it… any man that can willingly walk away from his child is a piece of shit in my eyes. I ramble too much.

    • you ramble too much but in a good way. it’s good to hear from someone who has experience. to know what it’s like and to see that you’ve grown into an amazing woman and not some serial killer with daddy issues. thanks lady x

  4. I don’t know what he’s going through, as Zoe still has both parents in her life even though it’s an extremely high conflict situation. But what I will say from my experience raising Zoe (I spend more time with her than anyone else in her life, including both biological parents) is that children need love. They aren’t picky about who it comes from. Yes, kids have an idea in their heads about what “normal” parents are supposed to be like and how families should work. But they adapt and evolve and accept their reality far more easily than we understand. He wants his “dad” because of what dads are supposed to be. But soon (trust me) he will soon see that he has more than that right at his fingertips through The Person. And tell The Person that his role is one that will shape Fysh and the type of man and father he will become one day. It’s a lot of pressure sure, but it’s a wonderful privilege too. I would work on shifting Fysh’s focus away from what he’s lost and onto what he’s gained. Freedom from pain and stress, bouncing between homes, fighting parents, legal battles and unhappiness. Instead he’s got stability and happiness and mountains of love. What a lucky boy indeed!

  5. My heart goes out to you and young Fysh. Kids are so intuitive and I take my hat off to you for allowing him to develop his own thoughts about his biodad. We just have to parent-on! Happy to hear that you also have a Person in your life who cares about Fysh :)

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